you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
