I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
