My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
