we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
