and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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