I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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