dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
