I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
