They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
