So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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