apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
