I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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