I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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