I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
