Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
