How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
