remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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