Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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