was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
