dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
