I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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