I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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