If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
