I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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