guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
