Is it because I queefed?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
