I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
