I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize