you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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