Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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