I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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