Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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