you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize