Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
