did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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