Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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