god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
