can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
