i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
