Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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