Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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