1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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