Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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