Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Randomize