I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I think i got beer on your cat.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
