I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
