his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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