ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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