can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
