I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
