Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
