I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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