you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
