This is not my ceiling
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
