Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
