k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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