She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
