Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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