even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
