I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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