They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
