My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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