Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
