Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
