That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
