and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
