so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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