Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize