3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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