I can tuck mytits in my pants
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
